what are they going to arrest me for? being awesome?

i woke from this dream today: i was riding a motorcycle in the desert with this wolf jumping next to me the whole time. it could jump really far. then my dad was there and he said the wolf was bad news and couldn't stay. i lost it and picked up one of those desks with the table attatched (you know like from little hous eon the prairie) and asked him if he wanted to die. he said yes. then i threw the desk and he said no he didnt right before he died. i then woke up and brushed my teeth but the toothpaste tasted like it had gone bad. then i woke up for real.

kind of crazy.

i had to call my dad and make sure i wasnt throwing desks at him over wolves. you know.

food for thought again, consider this crash dieting.

patrick could sing the phonebook and you would still swoon.

currently writing songs.

sometimes i watch kids in spelling bees and get so jealous of the talent they have. i wonder what it would be like.

did you see the corners of my mouth turn up for a second today? cause i caught you looking.

more tommorrow. i miss being on tour. i miss playing shows every night. i hope you love the new songs so we can play more shows.

cantsleepcantsleepcantsleep.

"we must never be apart"...

watch: barfly
read: death in installments

i am your best imaginary friend. (white lies, gray love).

at the end of it the only thing that we are promised in life is a hole in the ground. sometimes it gets you through the rough patches just to think that you could change someone. it makes you love them to think that they would change for you. but like i said before its more like the james bond series than anything else- different actors, same character. same shitty dialogue, same shitty songs for the same hearts. and anyone that says any different is a goddamned liar or worse, is just too much of an optimist to pay anything mind. talking to you is like selling fire in hell. it can be done, but youre probably gonna have to tell a few white lies to make it happen. and anyone that changes only does it in front of your eyes and changes back when in the blackness of their own room. anyone can paint a gutter to make it look like gold. it only feels strange when the paint washes away. "love me with your head, not your heart". cigarettes on window sills. i love the way the smoke curls off of your lips. it makes me think we are in a period piece until the lexus hybrid drives by the front of your house. its efficient, just like you. went to the pride parade today just because i wanted to be somewhere and not fit in with everyone else. besides no one gives a compliment like a drunk gay man. when you are thinking about the first place where it all went wrong- please keep me in mind. you are ancient history- whichever side of this sentence you are on doesnt feel so great. you lob reassurance at me only im playing a different game. sometimes you just want to know that all is okay with the world and that you can sleep tight. only it never is when you need it to be. i keep talking and never say a thing. sleep easy. be well.

i am still. i cant think of a single thing. it hits me like a wave. get me out of my mind.

"ransom notes keep falling at your mouth
mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs
speak no feeling no i don't believe you
you don't care a bit you don't care a bit"

i am a sentimental pessimist, dont believe the fucking smile ever.

love,

the hot mess.

i pack heat like an oven door.

the circles under my eyes are a sign that says "do not trespass".
there is moss growing on the roof of my mothers room.
i am jealous of the time she spends thinking of it.
it is bright. no matter what chemicals they spray it with-
it thrives.
and late at night the rain falls like bachelors for bad luck girls.
i am jealous of the way it breathes the drops while i just heave.
if i had any sense id send her a thank you note for the way my heart wont ever give up on someone.
my dad was a weekend warrior.
but at least he was fighting.
usually with my mother or mortgage broker on the other end of the phone,
as i was hushed and pushed out of screen doors.
if i had any sense id send him a thank you note for my sense of adventure.
consult the map of a world that does not exist.
simply part of the no future generation.
only (st)all(ed) dogs go to heaven, only the wrong dreams come true.
sleepwalk of the stars. there is too much green to feel blue.
i am as jealous of the late bloomers as i am of the wallflowers.
in this world of shit. fertilize me.
dont worry, youre safe.
i am just a tiger sleeping in the shade.
just tiptoe by.
blackmail myself.
give us what we want or youll never see what you love again.
i thought you said you were "non habit forming".
i thought you said you were "safe to use at night".
"use only as directed" and so on.
i came back to you.
only its more like a relapse.



count a thumb then two fingers in.
thats the one i want.

im pretty much just a lawyer with the way im always trying to get you off

i dont mean to have you worried or troubled. its the last thing i want. never take anything i ever say too seriously. youd need a search party to track my moods. who knows where they went? i guess this doesnt make sense. but in some strange way this is me saying thank you for always being there on the other side of this monitor.

i am watching reality bites right now.

the most exceptional thing about you is how ordinary you believe you are.

i want to be kept.

i am a bull.
she is a china shop.

blue pills / black nights

history has proven that

you can put despair on play/repeat and it will go on forever.

and if its loud and bright enough it doesnt matter how much money you have to buy the things you want or how brilliant you are told you are or how the right girls smile at you or how the best cameras flash at you.

it is all you will hear or see.

lets be alone, together.

"here we are, alone again. its all so slow, so heavy, so sad... ill be old soon. then at last it will be over. so many people have come into my room. theyve talked. they havent said much. theyve gone away. theyve grown old, wretched, sluggish, each in some corner of the world". celine "death on the installment plan"

i think i hear the tapping of rain on the roof but only in my head because i wish it so. i have some romantic idea of myself in some dirty apartment in paris writing words that will be critically analyzed and translated into languages from countries that i didnt even know existed. but this isnt france in the 30's and i dont have the knack for that kind of wit. tried to put my hand through a wall today in a disagreement i had with myself. i came out ahead and behind if you get my meaning. i think i just wanted a wound to take care of as they seem to be easier to look after than either a plant or a dog. stubborn and stupid are not far off from eachother in the dictionary. we have the same conversations day-in and day-out, im not sure why i even call anymore. just so its not just me talking to myself. though it seems to often be that anyway. im not sure if its schedule or love, i am thinking it is closer to an addiction that just cant be broken. even when it goes into remission its just a phone call or bad day away. i have to hope everyone and everything else is just like this as well or else this is gonna be a pretty lonely ride that goes on for far too long. i am looking at each word that proceeds the word i am currently typing. they look terrible to me right now. or even write now.

dear liar, how could i ever ask you to stop. that would be like telling a carpenter he couldn't use a hammer or more like a surgeon he couldnt use a scalpel, because you are indeed precise.

sometimes it feels like i am addressing myself.

sometimes i think i always stay in hotels so i can be by myself surrounded by people who are also by themselves.

jim dear and darling.

sometimes its like whats the point in anything. i am glad i have figured you out. it took one million times. but on one million and one i gave up on you. its the opposite of losing your virginity, its the opposite of dreams.

im glad i got the chance to be a complete nerd and talk to superheroes on the red carpet. im glad i didnt waste it on movies and people i wasn't obsessed with. i am glad i am three thousand miles away from you right now. i am glad for the view out of my window. it doesnt feel like a prison, more like a new start. its funny the way a wish and a curse are so close to eachother, just like a grudge and a promise.

thank god that shit wasnt live cause i have a mouth like a sailor. edit.

im not a boomerang and youre not badnews. were just nothing at all. thanks for helping me figure it out. two lies in one sentence has to be a new record for you, so congratulations.

sometimes the people that i only know through these songs and this screen make up for onjes i have known for years. thank you for your birthday wishes. they meant alot to me. whether you know it or not.

the birds are starting to sing the world awake at my house. get here soon morning.

"i wish i could stop being around people, i guess i am just addicted to it..." w.e.

Stick around long enough and everyone becomes a parody of themselves (see also: if it could happen to the egyptians it could happen to you).

As Egyptologists cast open tombs they serve as gods like isis welcoming history back to life. it seems strange to think of the way that the very thing that gives me life, oxygen, tears through these tombs and disintegrates heirlooms that have lain in shadows for thousands of years. youve done this 27 times before, youd think youd get the hang of it by now- a night spent in the hotel room alone realizing how you always change tense mid-thought. You order room service for two because you don’t want the hotel staff to think you could be this alone. Youre only as old as you feel. Then put a toe tag on me that reads “who cares”. At some point you realize Its all a game of “this” or “that”. now vs. then. "Better off" against "worse for the wear"- you know, id rather be a widow than a divorcee. Maybe that’s just me. I just wanted to feel a part of something. You cant blame me but at the same time you probably should. I sat and stitched this Frankenstein relentlessly but you gave it that final kiss of life. The years are starting to take their toll. The miles show in the form of smile lines around my eyes.

Some girls should get fixed like cats. Though I love the way she has memorized a list of canonized books that she tells people are “her favorites”, even though they are pretty much just off of a list of “customers who bought this book also bought” and so on. She watches the history channel and acts like it gives her the license to input “facts” into every phone conversation I ever have. When she gets dressed up she says things like “I feel like im walking on air”, and besides being obvious and derivative I also happen to know its not true. because ive seen the kind of shoes she wears and she always has to take them off if the car is parked too far away. Id hate it but anything sounds okay coming out of her mouth. Youre only still staring because in my mind I am reloading. Or this thing is fucking stuck in the chamber. Stutter. Its on the tip of my tongue. Cant think of a single fucking segue. I wish my ego and my libido would trade places. I wonder how the pharaohs would feel if they realized they never made it across to the other side. They are sitting on the third floor of the natural history museum. Forever. If I die before you I hope they bury you alive with me. In my head that is how I love you.

you dont hate me, you hate the part of you that is like me. i cant sit here and ride my flaws until the end because the truth is i live the charmed life. because of you and them. we are a gang. maybe its time to disband. im not sure i am thinking clearly but i just want you to know that i waited on you guys calls all night- they never came. i just wanted to say i miss you or im sorry or you know something that would have meant something to you. i would have made it poetic and memorable or at least something you could laugh at while drifting off to sleep. always trying to relive the glory days.

i dont care how poorly these sentences were constructed or how in the light of day i will wish i had not written them- right now i can only curse the fucking light off of this stupid western city because it wont ever get dark enough for sleep but otherwise how could you guide your way back here?

my head always feels warm right before i pass out, i always worry that there is something wrong and i wont wake up or you know i will. promise me that you wont take anything i ever say too seriously.

a letter to myself 10 years ago, from myself today (idea lifted from d.e.)

dear peter,

the first and foremost. i miss you. not the people around you or the world you call yours. i am not who you think i am. i am not who they say i am- by "they" i mean the lovers and the haters. i am in between, still normal and ordinary. i dont know what you would think about the place i am standing right now. its funny i never pictured myself here, simply because i did not picture myself existing anymore. i am sure you know what i am getting at. its kind of funny almost. after seeing the top and the bottom. id have to say there is a much better view from the top, but you have alot more friends at the bottom. even when im trying to disappear its halfhearted. im almost there. you know? the only thing you got is that goddamned pen forever. it will be buried in your hand. youre gonna learn alot of things but none of them will include: unconditional love, modesty, grammar, or impulse control. id like to think that you wouldnt hate me. but who am i kidding? spotlight or no spotlight thats always kind of been your thing- its just kind of funny that its in fashion right now. i never did anything just for a buck back then, and i still wont. dont give up on me. in some ways i think i am walking away from all of this as we speak. here are some books you should read they will make your head rest easier at night, more importantly they will help you understand yourself:

the old man and the sea
our lady of the flowers
the green hills of africa
the motel life
the every boy
the heart of darkness
first love, last rites

take care of yourself. i am waiting on a letter from ten years from now.