we put the fun in funeral

Sunday, August 27, 2006

plain jane and the boy next door.

there is one single pair of eyes that could ever decode any of this.

put another "x" on the calander. summer is on its deathbed. there is simply nothing worse than knowing the ending- that no matter what curve balls or uphill battles come your way- it still turns out the same. this year its stripes and pumps, last year it was dancefloors and you. she keeps talking, i keep staying the same. did you ever change your mind about someone and then just realize it was a fucking haircut. put me in a frame on your wall, just to keep me out of trouble. i gotta say i admire bob dylan for being honest about his new record. noone ever is. its like when the ad campaign rolls out everyone is smiling and at their best even if they are not sure. an affectionate friend told me everything i ever needed to know about anything.
"freeze! put down that fucking laptop!". everything is always either digging a hole or digging yourself out of one. and just when you have it all figured out you should just sift through your pile of "never again"s. quite a collection. blow off the dust. im sure they will be worth something to someone sometime. its buzzing in the back of your head and out your fingertips. pull back the shade- the road outside of my house is paved with good intentions. but it is hell on the undercarriage of the car so we're gonna have to hire a construction crew. i wonder if anyone else thinks of you as much as i do, even you.

"If I should call you up, invest a dime
And you say you belong to me and ease my mind
Imagine how the world could be, so very fine
So happy together...

a mutual misunderstanding. kaleidoscope eyes sparkle on pillows in the dark. and i dont care what anyone thinks of that except me. put the love on hold, anticipation is on the other line and excitement called while you were out.

imagine me and you.....

Friday, August 25, 2006

i miss planes but i miss you more.

sid and nancy.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

a little life, alot of death (i want to be known for my hits not my mrs.)

i should probably not be typing in this mood. i wish there was a lock on the keyboard. it is too enthralling in a state like this. just like all of this has always been. the world around me has changed as if overnight. "for someone so smart you are acting pretty stupid". i cant focus on but like three thoughts in my head but i am compeltely wrapped in them. they keep me warm at night. i pray for something to crash into me and smash me back to something more simple. i pray for fistfights so i cant be knocked out and wake up in the e.r. i wish for disaster so i can be razed. im telling you if i could do any of it again, im pretty sure i wouldnt. fuck your life under the microscope. fuck your leading man. you have no idea. i wish for five years ago. and not in the way you would imagine either. "you are unfixable". my eyes are washed out but they dont feel clean. they are strong you know not the athletic type, but could definitely used to carrying heavy bags. im guessing in any real light i will delete this, apologies in advance. whatever caption is written next to the picture is the exact opposite of me. i am mapless. you are caught. lets go out and get forgotten.

bad news travels fast. and i am the worst of it.

i am staring at the most beautiful creature on the planet. he has no idea. he is so perfect, it feels like i made him up. i cry into his coat. he has a spot over his eye like dogs from 80s movies. i will always remember the day i met you.

"leave you feelings in your heart boy".


i have carefully ruined every single aspect of my life. in truly new and novel ways.

i was told a tour story of bob dylan- how when you were in his crew on the road with him. when he had his hood up it meant you couldnt talk to him and when he didnt you could. it kind of made me laugh in some strange way.

but mostly it made me think.

Friday, August 11, 2006

the sky is strange half a world away.

i cant wait to get home to you.

since j.t. is bringing sexy back, i guess i am out of a job. is borders hiring?

what is the opposite of amnesia? because that is what i have.
sometimes i cant find my way around my memories.
i have to take detours.
i think you were the best one.
its like it was never really going anywhere and alot of breakdowns but really it made for the best trip.
its strange to land here and be completely out of place.
but at the same time not really.
i never really felt like i understood anything anyone was saying anywhere. so how different can this be?
its like it always was.
i have affection imprinted deep inside my head.
its why am always on the verge of love or giving up.
or thats what i am convinced of today- tommorrow it will be something new.
dear drugstore cowboy, the chemical balance is a bit off.
its 7 am in california, 11pm in japan.
but my head is always on central standard.
how are you gonna get your way out of this one pete?
baby you are a canary and i am a coalmine.
the moon is out and its convincing me, it has me all kinds of crazy.
maybe will just go to sleep and wake up on the summer sheets i grew up on.
because how could any of this be real.

"answer the phone, i know that youre home. i want to get you alone...."

Thursday, August 10, 2006

i spend most of my days in airport lounges waiting.

i am a time capsule.
put something inside of me. i will show it back to you on your deathbed.
my eyes are always rubbed red.
my bestfriend has been designed to perfection- down to the spot over his eye.
everything else is wrecked and broken down on the side of the road, and thats if im lucky.
im always up until it gets light out. waiting.
for thing that never happen.

im leaving on a jet plane, dont know when ill be back again...

in my wallet i carry a letter filled with words i have never told anyone. maybe one day ill get some courage and a stamp.

love the ruiner of hearts.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

"we didnt care when dylan went electric"...

i leave for japan pretty soon. late tonight the moonlight carved its way into my room as though it was light as day. i was sitting here reading kerouac but not a story, just his journals- him writing about writing. i need to adventure. i need to hear your stories. to hear you singing the words back. to meet you. or else this is all worthless. a house filled with things that dont matter.


i worry that you wont be listening to the new songs and hanging on the new lines.
but youve never let me down before.

i miss you so much it hurts to think about.

Sunday, August 06, 2006

heat makes for the strangest of thoughts

th only inevitablity in life in death.
from the moment we are born we are slowly dying.
it is the only thing that remains constant.
how horrifying.

time to go outside and play.

dear 310,

you can truly think yourself to pieces.
writing too fast for you to keep up.
and why would you want to anyway?
true oranges and sedated blues.
or is it the other way around?
i am millers paris.
she is always humming. i hate it.
i wish for autumn. i am always thinking of breath in the air and leaves burning somewhere. somehow i attatch it to feeling okay.
in a running home from school kind of way.
just as easily as you run away from your problems, you can run home to them.
moodswings have kind of become protocol around here. like something you have to cross off of a checklist and then have your supervisor sign.
there isnt enough breeze in the suburbs tonight.
i imagine them to be like italy sixty years ago, only with less flamboyance and wider streets.
my head is sticking to the pillow like sleep doesnt want to let me go.
"diary-ing" hard lately. its terrible that i hate what i am most known for.
its like i always just wanted to mean something more than me and than the goddamned second i did, its all "woe is me". its getting old.
i want to be more.
you make me want to be more.
to be shot out into space or to discover a cure to something terrible.
i cant lie, there is something nice about the midwest. calming.
where your waiter is just your waiter and the doorguy is just the doorguy.
not the place where everyone wants to be something they're not.
not as thought it matters but it feels safer.
she looks at me like she knows how fragile i am.
noones hot foreever.
but i, we, all have inside of us continents like he said. vast and lush.
full of guns and loves.
like the two were different by definition.
but they are the same. linked if only by the way that you will always remember your first ones.
then she said, "many african cultures dont believe in the concept of future".

fuck your futures.

Saturday, August 05, 2006

wait, johnny marr is in fucking modest mouse?

mayday mayday. there has been a fire in the engine room. failure lights are up everywhere.
me and you just like always.
lit like leading actors. bright lights hitting your cheekbones in an otherwise darkened room.
this is disaster.
you smoke that last one down until it burns your fingers.
there is a penny spinning the table and twenty dollars broken like everything else in here.
basement apartments feel like funeral homes sometimes.
took the train just like the old days.
my old days that is. the good old days.
the stops are of comfort to me as they count me down.
when it flips from red to purple i know im getting close.
ran home from the train today.
on streets that knew my name long before anyone else ever would.
my shoes pound on them the same. sweating out a hoody in august just like i would have 10 years ago and 10 years before that.
i am anonymous to the cars as i run back to the house i grew up in, cutting through the same yards i have cut through for almost 20 years- slowing only when i see the house a block before mine, that signifies my victory lap.
i run up the stairs and throw myself on the bed.
i can only think of before this began and after it ends.
i cant ever get my head around right now.
"red red wine" is playing on the radio in my sisters car.
i saw a good band tonight and thought of good friends-
i only wish i would let my head go to these places more.
im getting sick of saying im sorry.
"i hate you, but have a good night."

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

black holes and revelations.

i wrote a really long entry. than i remembered what you said tonight.
i get it.

"....taking me away from everyone who cares if i live or die...."

ive been giving up on myself one heartbeat at a time.