we put the fun in funeral

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

and we conspire against ourselves. ("are you lying?" only if her lips are moving).

you spend every waking moment and many sleeping ones thinking of one heart, one person. you let it slip, they let it slip. who knows where it all begins or ends. but as it falls to pieces you keep grabbing them and collecting them less like for a museum of things that used to matter and more like you are going to keep putting it back together. except there are always a few pieces missing each time. deep breaths. slow your heart beat. the road winds. there was a time before you always felt like this. try to remember pete. you are being pulled in every direction. everything is bigger under the microscope. you want it to be simple. you make it complicated. "hey, pete- i am middle ground. how come we've never met before". sometimes i wish i could re-engineer the path from my heart to the tip of my tongue and let my head have a shot at it. i dont got big dreams, i just want to be okay. it comes down to my word versus your word versus the worlds word and i dont think i want to anymore. im worn out. my head is full, my eyes are empty. the dog loves the salt in the corners of my eyes and on my cheeks- i am nervous about cutting it from his diet. and i could never take care of him the way you could. i am a mess and have no idea, ever. i am constantly reminded of how much better i could and should be, and jealous of it, from the children on the street walking hand in hand with their mothers to the homeless man content with his world of a bench. and noone knows the way i spend my nights counting the individuals grains in the tiles in the bathroom, the coolness of the floor the only comfort- or if anyone does they dont want to hear it, i cant blame you... i dont even want to hear it anymore. in the mornings the world is blurry. it comes in and out of focus. this is when its the worst. when i awake from a dream to realize that none of it was real, possibly ever.

one of the only things stranger than realizing you are along in this world, is realizing that you are not.

pupils the size of baby worlds.

every bad decision is put on file for later viewing. mapquest your way back to me, take a turn for the worse and then continue for .5 miles.

i want to file a restraining order against myself.

and i want to be myself again looking at my reflection in your eyes from the first time i failed you. i am nostalgic for disaster. i want it back.

he sleeps sound. he has no care for what buzzes and changes in the world around him.

because of this i envy him.

run away from a city because of one single heartbeat. it doesnt make sense.

its not that i dont trust you, actually it is. and i dont trust myself when i think of you. i sell myself out.

i wish you were awake right now. i just want to let myself be happy.